Tube Socks

I once worked at a Little Caesar's Pizza. I worked like any other schlep, but then I landed a great position as morning prep boy. I would come in early in the morning and slice onions, mushrooms and other toppings. I would grate massive amounts of cheese. Open cans of sauce. No one was there and it was actually kind of nice for me. I would also get to go home earlier than anyone else. The morning was mine at Little Caesar's. Eventually, some other schlepper would come in before the place opened.

One morning, I came in a little late and was in a hurry. I went into the bathroom to change into my Little Caesar's uniform, which included a Little Caesar's hat. For some reason I would flip the visor up and I wrote "PACO" on the inside of the visor. So when I turned it up, it was readable. (Hence, the "Paco" in "Chicken Paco".)

So I am changing into my uniform, but I need to use the toilet. I am sitting on the can, half-way through my business, and BAM!, the second morning schlep bursts in on my, utterly unaware of what he was to about to see. There I am, sitting on the toilet with my PACO hat on, visor flipped up, and my tube socks on. Nothing else. Pretty much totally naked. I have never been more grateful for tube socks.

The stars have aligned only twice for me

Twice in my life the stars have aligned and everything went exactly as I predicted. I mean exactly. Not only did things go exactly as I predicted, but the events were preceded by me being somewhat cavalier that things would go exactly as I predicted.

Incident No.1: Circa 1995. My wife and I were at a local park with two other couples. We were having a picnic. There were an over-abundance of Canadian Geese in the park harassing us otherwise innocent eating friends. (I think I heard one Canadian goose call me a Shatner-stealing Mexico toucher.) Well I got sick of it and I said something to the effect of "I'm sick of these geese. Watch this." Everyone was watching and without a blink I chucked a seedless red grape about 20 yards and hit a goose right in the head.

Incident No. 2: Circa 1994. I was playing Clue at my in-laws house with my wife, sister-in-law and her husband. For about 30 minutes before the game I started bragging (mostly for the fun of it) to everyone how I was going to win on my first turn. We sat down, got the game set up, and on my first turn I over confidently stated that it was Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick. BOOM, I won on my first guess. If anyone that was there reads this, please post a comment to confirm.

The bad part about Incident No. 1 is that only my wife remembers and I received a nasty letter from PETA (or I will).

The bad part of Incident No. 2 is that everyone thought I rigged the game (which I didn't) and no one has played Clue with me since.

Subdermal itch

Do you ever get an itch in the middle of the bottom of your foot? It happens to me sometimes. I go into a panic as I race to take my shoes off. I know that once I get my shoe off, I can cheat and scratch the itch through my sock. That will give me that little relief so I can take the next step of sock removal. However, the sock scratch rarely is satisfying. That thin layer of fabric does something. Finally, when I rip my sock off in a fit of psychosis, I get to scratch the sole of my foot. Almost always it turns out to be below the skin. At that point I could seriously freak out. I scratch as hard as I want, and can't get to the itch. I have no idea why one would have an itch below the surface of the skin. Isn't itchy skin because it is dry. I don't know why I would be dry under the skin of the bottom of my foot, but alas it happens. It happened to Larry Mullen Jr. in Rattle and Hum while recording Angel of Harlem. So I know it is not just me. I wonder is Soren Kierkegaard's foot ever itched.

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards

Recently I took a leap of faith. I call it a leap of faith because it defied logic. I also call it a leap of faith because I feel that it was what God wanted me to do. In our modern world and to the modern way of thinking, taking this step was a sign of pure stupidity and lunacy on my part. Without a logical basis for an action the modern person should not take the contemplated action. Right?

Well, I did it. I threw away a very high paying job working for someone else to take a literally zero paying job (at least in the short term) working for myself. In my career field, I am an idiot. But this is what God wanted me to do. Because it defies logic, I asked several times and I kept getting the same illogical answer. But an answer it undoubtedly was. It got to the point that I felt if I asked again that I would be offending.

The Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard wrote about three stages of personal development with the last and most important stage being the religious stage. According to Kierkgaard, one can only reach the religious stage by a leap of faith. I have also heard this described as jumping through the darkened doorway. It is a leap of faith because there are not any rational reasons for justifying the proverbial leap. Another way of looking at it is that one cannot see what the future will hold and therefore, there is no certainty of consequences. (See my earlier post "Rescue Ointment of the Indecisive" to read my pre-leap thoughts.) As Kierkegaard also said, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

I heard someone recently say that the only thing we have to give God is our free will. Everything else comes from Him and is controlled by Him. Thus, God can and will give us everything we need (see Matthew Chapter 6). What he wants us to do is make the first move. To trust Him and His will. Prioritize His will first. Or in other words, have faith.

Well I have tried it. I have exercised faith in a higher being, jumped through the darkened doorway, and did so without any rational/logical backing. I have potentially put myself and my family into financial ruin. But I did it. I am finding out, slowly, that things seem to be working out. I am also rapidly learning how little I really know about God, faith and doorways.

Deliberate Mind Games With Oneself

I may be strange, but when I was a young lad I would play deliberate mind games with myself in order to artificially create and recreate enjoyable experiences. Nothing freakish or perverse. Thinking of these games now makes me wonder if I should have received some form of counseling. Here are some examples:

I would deliberately sleep backwards in my bed. My feet would be at the head of the bed and my head would be at the foot of the bed. I did this so when I woke up from sleeping the first thing my mind would think would be, "Where the heck am I?" I would trip out for a few minutes until I remembered what I had done the night before. Kind of like waking up in a hotel room or a new apartment for the first time.

Another example is when you fall asleep in your clothes. When you wake up and take your clothes off, bed feels super comfortable. I really enjoyed that feeling so I would purposefully go to sleep in my clothes. I would wake up in the middle of the night and, aaaahhhhhhh, it would feel great. I'm not sure if I ever fell asleep in my clothes and backwards, but I am still somewhat willing to try.

Another classic example is every spring I would put a five dollar bill in my winter coat pocket. A month or so later into the early summer I would forget about it. The next winter, however, I would slip my hand in my pocket and, pow, there was five bucks! That's always a great feeling, even if it is artificially created. I still leave a piece of candy in my Christmas stocking every year when I put the Christmas decorations and other stuff away. And every December when I get my stocking out, I love to see what I left for myself. Of course year old star mints aren't the greatest.

What it boils down to is my past self is playing mind games on my future self. My past self also does my future self the favor of placing my car keys and wallet in a logical spot. If it wasn't for my past self being so considerate, my future self would be a mess. In return, my future self is very grateful for my past self's thoughfulness. I am also grateful for my past self's mind games because it is always great to trip yourselves out. Now I must go to bed, because otherwise my future self tomorrow morning will be grumpy.